domingo, 1 de abril de 2012

How i stopped being suicidal


So, i've been suicidal ever since I remember, I lived in an apartment on the rooftop of this old and ugly building, a sixth floor. And I used to club to the highest point and look down to the streets and think about jumping, because in my whole neighborhood there were only two more kids, one of them studied with me and was kind of a bully who hated me, and the other kid was his best friend. In the classroom i really had no real friends and my classmates named me "dumb" because I had as they said a dumb face. That would have been ok, since yeah, maybe i did. But the nickname caught so well even the teachers referred to me in that way. I wanted to die, and i tried to cut my veins once, did it wrong 'cause I was young and stupid.

I don't remember being happy but once, but more about that later. I was taught by my father that I was a fat, ugly, stupid and unlovable person, and he kept saying this things my whole life. And i may rationally know that it's not all true, but I do feel like he was right. So every time somebody would be interested in me, or a great opportunity presented, my insecurity drove them away. Right now I don't have any pets, i used to have a cat but was stolen, or killed by my family, IDK; ever single cat and dog I've had has disappeared from my house. And my only friend is this cousin who kind of listens to me, but we haven't had a good conversation in months.

My family does think that i'm a big loser, and they have said it to me loud and clear. You see, i'm really smart, so I was selected as one of the best students in my country and won an scholarship, so i had the chance to study in another city, away from my family. But the sadness, loneliness and absence of self love, got me expelled from the university. And now it's been 10 years since I finished my high school, and have not been able to graduate of anything.

I've never had a girlfriend, i'm 28, almost 29 and I've been single my whole life. The only person i have kissed was a boy back when i was 7, and not because we were in love, but because shit happens and he had to kiss me. I went to a shrink last year and he gave this drugs that were supposed to help me with anxiety and depression, but really only made me fatter, which made me more anxious and more depressed.

But then, about five years ago I was willing to really kill myself, had it all planned out, even had set out a date, november 14. About a month before, I met this girl who was like an earthquake, kind of a wild crazy godess. So I fell in love with her and she though i was a good person to be friends with. We were both really alone, her best friend died of some shit that killed him in three days or so. So a week before november 14, I told her that I was really happy to had met her because I was gonna die soon and she, her memory, was going to help me die happier. So she said this to me: Don`t die, ever. Promise me you'll never die, because I could never survive losing you too. She was crying dude, so I told her that I would not die, ever. So on my day to die, i didn't, i cut all my hair, and saved my head, and went to see a movie with her. And to this day I have been able to stay alive, and honor my promise.

She eventually left my life, ok, i kind of kicked her out of it, and I regret it. So I went back to be alone, but this day I fell in waterway in my city, trying to save a dog, and the dog atacked me. This was a big dog and I realized that it was willing to kill me, and was quite capable to do it too. So I fought it, like a ninja. Got some bruises, and cuts but was pretty ok. And I realized that I didn't want to die anymore. So yeah, what i wanted to tell you is: I met someone I loved and promised her to live. So even though sometimes I feel depressed, unadequate and alone, I keep on living because I promised, and because when the shit passes the days are clearer, shitty and smelly, but clearer.

Si leiste todo, me alegra, porque esto lo escribi para ti y sólo para ti existe. Me es dificil hablarte, ¿sabes? Porque siento que ahora tienes toda una nueva vida, y no soy parte de ella, lo que me parece adecuado. Pero transformaste mi vida por completo, para bien y para mal, y creo que fuera de hacerte compañia, no pude hacer más por ti. Niña, no sé si el cariño se mantiene a través del tiempo y el espacio, pero quisiera decir que te quiero sinceramente porque te quise sinceramente. Y sólo tengo una queja, algo que puedo entender y aceptar pero que me dolió, ver que las entradas de tu blog de la epoca en que eramos dos en la ciudad ya no existen.